I’m pleading “Not Guilty”

And I’m not taking the Fifth!

Milky Way Galaxy. Credit: Scientific American

I wasn’t going to write about it. It would stay my secret. But I’ve decided to tell you the story. It’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me God. Proving once again that a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.

The Brilliant Horsewoman had her wisdom teeth removed Monday so I volunteered for Yeti duty this week. I enjoy being with the horse, even in this heat.

It’s an easy job: graze him, hose him down, clean up the stall, brush him. It was too hot to do much more. I had had no trouble on Monday, so on Tuesday I decided to first go for a hike at Kensington Metropark.

There was still a bit of dew in the shady spots, but a nice westerly was springing up across Wildwings Lake, keeping the bugs at bay.

The Heron Rookery was in full swing. Some of the young ones glided down from the nest and perched on lily pads, waiting for a minnow or frog.

I heard a clack clack clack to my left and turned to see a young Sandhill Crane running towards me on the boardwalk, a red-winged blackbird squawking on its back!

I tried to take a video of the amazing sight, but I must have forgot to hit the right button in my excitement. The terrified crane sprinted right past me, the blackbird still hanging on, no doubt protecting the young red-wings who seemed to be everywhere.

I continued across the boardwalk to the southern shore of the lake, where another early bird was watching a mother wood duck swim in circles.

“Her duckling was eaten by a snapping turtle!” she exclaimed. “The mother is frantic!”

She shared some videos of the event. I’ve been asked not to publish them by the BW as they are a bit disturbing. The young wood duck is pulled underwater, then surfaces and tries to swim but is slowly pulled down by the snapper. The life or death struggle continues for several minutes. Above is a screen shot taken just before the turtle attack.

“That’s life,” I thought cavalierly. “Turtle’s gotta eat too.”

I had wondered why there were no other ducks around. The mallards were all gone and only the mother wood duck, a few large geese and the herons were still here. Perhaps the mallards knew that danger was lurking beneath the calm peaceful waters of the lake.

I continued along the lakeshore, staying on the path, searching the water on my right for snappers. I looked down for a moment.

A chipmunk came running up the middle of the trail headed right at me.

Before I realized it he had run underfoot!

I quickly picked up my right foot but not before I felt a little snap. The chipmunk gave a few spasms, burped up some blood, then was still.

I took a few more steps, stunned, then turned back. It was dead!

What had I done!?!

I fled the scene.

Then after a hundred paces or so I turned back. Maybe it was just injured!

But there the chipmunk lay, in the middle of the path. Not moving. Blood pooled at it’s mouth.

I resisted the urge to photograph the corpse and instead flipped it with my toe to the side of the trail.

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” I wanted to shout, then looked around for witnesses.

Only dragonflies and their prey were present, zipping up and down the sun-speckled path.

I resumed my hike. Over the next quarter mile a half-dozen relatives of the victim scurried out of my way. None of the other chipmunks appeared accusatory, and all fled at my approach. “Just as the VICTIM should have done!” I thought.

“Why didn’t the other one run? It was HIS fault, not mine!” I reasoned.

Whoops, there I went, already blaming the victim.

I played the “Blame Game.”

It certainly wasn’t murder on my part! I had no intent to kill anything!

The only possible charge was involuntary Chipmunk-slaughter. But that required I had either acted recklessly or negligently. Negligent homicide? Could the prosecutor make the charges stick? There were no witnesses but me. Had I been careless in my walk? Carefree? Is that the same?

Of course I didn’t have to testify. I could plead the Fifth.

I quit practicing criminal law early in my legal career. Not because I wasn’t good at it. I liked and cared about my clients. Oh yes, they were all most likely guilty, at least of something.

And I loved defending the little guy against the powerful prosecutors who had everything at their fingertips, though the fees weren’t that great usually. But it wasn’t the money that made me quit handling criminal cases. I just couldn’t stand the feeling in the pit of my stomach when my clients were led away to prison.

I quit taking divorce cases for the same reason: I cared too much. I kept trying to keep the couples together. Not good for business! If you succeed you lose the fee.

I wondered what I could have done differently. Normally chipmunks scurry away. I had no basis to believe it would run under my foot! Didn’t I have a right to assume that the chipmunk would veer away at the last minute? All chipmunks do that!

But who would believe me? I could just here the prosecutor “All chipmunks scurry away! So the defendant MUST have intended to commit murder!”

Intent? Oh no! But I wasn’t even negligent! I had a right to walk on this trail!

The death of the chipmunk was a random occurrence; unforeseen, unpredictable, and unintended, I decided.

But yet this was the second death of young one in a row! First the baby wood duck. Now the chipmunk. And things always come in threes, right?

Wrong, I told myself! Don’t go there!

The universe is random, chaotic and unpredictable. Like the ancients of old we always try to find reasons for everything. But often times things just happen, no matter what.

Man used to believe that everything revolved around the Earth, and that we were the center of the universe. Part of the Big Plan. Then the Sun became the center. Now we know that the sun is only a minor star in the Milky Way, and even our own galaxy is not the center, nor is it uniform.

Credit: Scientific American

I remembered a Scientific American article from last year, Our Turbulent Galaxy, by Ann Finkbeiner, illustrated by Ron Miller (Opening picture and above).

Our galaxy has had a turbulent history, which will no doubt continue, with random events, explosions, and the continuous births and deaths of stars. It’s been shredded from time to time by collisions with other galaxies.

There is no “Plan” here. When a supernova explodes, any earth-like planets nearby are obliterated, returned to their elements.

Everything floats randomly, chaotically, spun by uncontrollable and unfathomable forces over which we have no control.

And sometimes a chipmunk will run under your foot.

“Not Guilty, your Honor.”

All we can do is establish certain norms and guidelines with goals and objectives that fit within those norms. Then move towards our goals and objectives, while understanding that random events can and will interfere, interrupt, and sometimes destroy those goals.

There’s no sense in worrying about it or playing the blame game.

I saw a sharp stick. It was time to bury the dead.

I finished my circuit of the lake then began to circle it again to the site of the death. Where was the body? Could it be gone? Eaten by another animal, perhaps a crow or turtle? Or maybe it recovered? No, not possible. It was dead. But where was it?

Finally I turned around. I must have missed it. I decided to retrace my steps, this time just looking for the blood spot where it had died.

I found the spot. No body. But there was a recently cut branch on the trail near the spot. Someone must have broken off the branch and used it to flip the body into the underbrush.

Let nature take its course, I decided.

I had hoped to bury the chipmunk and my anxieties as well.

Instead I’m sharing them with you.

Sometimes stuff happens.

Stuff we can’t control.

Thanks for listening.

As the Jury feel free to record your vote in the comments, unless it’s anything other than NOT GUILTY!

Yeti was happy to get his apple.