Thanks for this well worded essay - I struggle with anger almost daily with 3 young boys. I find my anger never helps or solves the situation and usually just makes it worse. I have been working so hard on refocusing and looking for solutions and trying to keep my anger in check. Hard when they push your buttons but it definitely makes things go better overall.
Thanks for the comment Sonya. Do you ever find that when you get angry, deep down it's YOUR fault? That seems to be my biggest trigger. I fail at something then get mad. It's not that simple but something along those lines...
Totally my fault - usually I'm distracted by other things and I'm blaming my kids for getting "in the way" of me completing a different task (the dishes/laundry/computer work etc). Obviously, this isn't their fault and it's my fault for not focusing on their needs in that moment. But it's also the nature of the multi-tasking life of motherhood these days and trying to do it all and be it all!
In Little League, I played on a team called the Yankees. Mr. Collins was coach and Mr. Jolie was an assistant. I was an outfielder most games. But I remember hitting a homerun. We won the pennant that year and I kept that little statue for decades. 1970. All gone now.
Thanks for sharing! There's a concept in Judaism that there are 2 influences: the yetzer hara (evil inclination but for selfishness, pleasure & sin) vs. the yetzer hatov (good inclination), but ultimately you can't wipe out the evil one because it leads to ambition and self-preservation and sex. Think the 2 sides of Jiminy Cricket! The goal of a good life is to learn to balance them and to use the "evil" side to do things. If we only had the good side, nothing in life would happen. So learning to use anger to make change as opposed to striking out and hurting others would seem to be channeling it properly.
We certainly don’t want to eliminate sex! Interesting. Thanks Marjorie. I want to keep exploring this idea. Your note also reminds me of “Know thyself” and “Balance in all things”
Is the reverse of anger though retreat - running away? Sometimes I am guilty of that and being angry atleast does address the issue and allow you to move on (although not the best if throwing things is involved!!) it’s good to have communication so don’t be too hard on yourself!
It appears you have touched a nerve from the responses. Yes it was Ms Shafer (4th grade) who slapped me across the face one day…. anger, I guess. I remember the film strips and getting eye glasses in the second grade because I could not read … we all have so many shared memories. While uncontrolled anger is certainly a negative, anger in of itself can be a good thing. It provokes us to action….it makes us rise up to injustice which leads us to empathy and compassion. All good things. For uncontrolled anger, I like when Robertson says, “ accept the unpleasant feelings (brought about by anger) rather than trying to escape them.” That might take me a lifetime. 😂 Thx David
Anger is the bane of my existence, David. I surprised me how often I trigger at something someone said in innocense, just stating their case or condition. Especially with politics, I wonder what side am I really on? It seems I get pissed at the damnedest things.
Meanwhile, Gene Roddenberry dealt with anger issues in Star Trek. Can't remember specific scenes, but throughout the series, he seemed to equate anger or the energy displayed by anger as an impetus to accomplishment that is misdirected. Without that passionate energy, there is no competition, no innovation, no ambition to create. Fast-forward to Josh Wheadon's short-lived series Firefly, and the movie made ten years later, Serenity. In that movie, the crew go to the terraformed and settled planet, Miranda, and find that all the people are dead. They just laid their heads down and died of ennui. The Allaince, who wanted to build a more evolved and peaceful human race, put chemicals in the water and air that would subdue angry or violent impulses in human behavior. When the death of Miranda populations happened, the Alliance tried to hide it. One other affect of the chemicals, though, created a race of people referred to as "Reevers." They werre malicious, ultra-violent, rapacious people who would rape, murder and consume anyone they came upon. They began maurading raids upon cargo and passengers transports and other planets. So there you see, David, science fiction also explores this maddening emotion we deal with.
Great subject-I’d be surprised if most of us didn’t have to deal with anger issues at one time or another. I had a lot of anger issues as a kid-I was a perfectionist and if things didn’t go like I thought they should I could lose it pretty easily. Thankful that somewhere along the way I decided it took more effort to get angry than just try to think things through and realize perfection is a myth-at least for me.
I do remember Mrs. Shaeffer. I remember all my teachers from Franklin. I remember going to the old Franklin school before they built the current one. had one of the original wooden desks for years that we were able to keep when they closed the old Franklin.I still remember playing basketball in the gymnasium-It was a cracker box gym. I remember our parents had to sit on chairs on the side or on the stage to watch us. I still have some of our yearly class pictures-Great memories!
Like you, David I was blind as a bat in grammar school. For the first two years, the seating arrangement in Catholic school was alphabetical order, and by chance I was always at the front of the row in third grade. A new kid joined the class and I got relegated to the back row where my grades plummeted and like you the teacher sent home a note saying your son can’t see! Also similar to you. I remember like it was yesterday the day that I walked out of the optical store with my first pair of glasses. It was autumn. And instead of seeing a blur of colors, I saw individual leaves each one a different shade of green red orange. Street signs with words! It truly was magical.
Anger is such an intense emotion. With a large family we all tried to work things out but occasionally tempers would flair (usually away from parents). But oddly, the people that can still get me angry are siblings, though very rare. And it's due to patterns of behaviors we've had since forever. The links you had in your post were good ones, thanks.
Six kids. We were always very close as siblings but sometimes we’d get mad at each other. What’s weird w/ siblings is you always make up. So maybe that’s not really anger. Let’s say we did argue a lot, haha. They could really push the buttons. I’m glad I came from a big family. Friends from CA all have fewer siblings. Maybe those cold midwestern nights. But large families were not rare in the midwest several decades ago.
We were spread out too. It was like they had 2 sets: My oldest brother was 9 yrs older, 8 yrs for my second brother, then my oldest sis, 6 yrs. Then me. Then my younger sis, 3 yrs later and finally the baby of the family, my youngest brother, 7 yrs my junior. Three oldest were all in college at same time, and then I was 'the oldest' at home. (big cheese, haha).
I wasn't that good at baseball either. Instead of glasses I just quit the baseball. We lived 10 miles from town, so my father found things for us to do on the farm. Running track and football didn't seem to need glasses that much. Living in Arkansas one of the things we did was duck hunt. My grandfather would take me hunting and taught me how to call the ducks. Since he had cataract surgery (this was before the lense replacement) I had to land them close to the hunting blind. My grandfather who told my mom to have me checked. Because he noticed me getting headaches while I was trying to focus on the ducks and I was getting headaches. My junior and senior year in high school was crystal clear.
You're right, Paul, thanks for sharing. We were lucky to have those grandparents, weren't we? I love thinking about duck calling. It must be Magic. We had a duck call, a black thing which was so much fun, but we made such a racket my Mom took it away from me. I never figured it out...
I realized pretty quickly that my grandfather couldn't call ducks. He knew what sound should be called at which time. One of his buddies would go on occasion and they would "fine tune" my sound. My grandson sent me a video of him calling ducks like his father taught him, which is the way I taught him.
Thanks for this well worded essay - I struggle with anger almost daily with 3 young boys. I find my anger never helps or solves the situation and usually just makes it worse. I have been working so hard on refocusing and looking for solutions and trying to keep my anger in check. Hard when they push your buttons but it definitely makes things go better overall.
Thanks for the comment Sonya. Do you ever find that when you get angry, deep down it's YOUR fault? That seems to be my biggest trigger. I fail at something then get mad. It's not that simple but something along those lines...
Totally my fault - usually I'm distracted by other things and I'm blaming my kids for getting "in the way" of me completing a different task (the dishes/laundry/computer work etc). Obviously, this isn't their fault and it's my fault for not focusing on their needs in that moment. But it's also the nature of the multi-tasking life of motherhood these days and trying to do it all and be it all!
In Little League, I played on a team called the Yankees. Mr. Collins was coach and Mr. Jolie was an assistant. I was an outfielder most games. But I remember hitting a homerun. We won the pennant that year and I kept that little statue for decades. 1970. All gone now.
Yet the Memories remain.
Thanks for sharing! There's a concept in Judaism that there are 2 influences: the yetzer hara (evil inclination but for selfishness, pleasure & sin) vs. the yetzer hatov (good inclination), but ultimately you can't wipe out the evil one because it leads to ambition and self-preservation and sex. Think the 2 sides of Jiminy Cricket! The goal of a good life is to learn to balance them and to use the "evil" side to do things. If we only had the good side, nothing in life would happen. So learning to use anger to make change as opposed to striking out and hurting others would seem to be channeling it properly.
We certainly don’t want to eliminate sex! Interesting. Thanks Marjorie. I want to keep exploring this idea. Your note also reminds me of “Know thyself” and “Balance in all things”
Is the reverse of anger though retreat - running away? Sometimes I am guilty of that and being angry atleast does address the issue and allow you to move on (although not the best if throwing things is involved!!) it’s good to have communication so don’t be too hard on yourself!
It appears you have touched a nerve from the responses. Yes it was Ms Shafer (4th grade) who slapped me across the face one day…. anger, I guess. I remember the film strips and getting eye glasses in the second grade because I could not read … we all have so many shared memories. While uncontrolled anger is certainly a negative, anger in of itself can be a good thing. It provokes us to action….it makes us rise up to injustice which leads us to empathy and compassion. All good things. For uncontrolled anger, I like when Robertson says, “ accept the unpleasant feelings (brought about by anger) rather than trying to escape them.” That might take me a lifetime. 😂 Thx David
Anger is the bane of my existence, David. I surprised me how often I trigger at something someone said in innocense, just stating their case or condition. Especially with politics, I wonder what side am I really on? It seems I get pissed at the damnedest things.
Meanwhile, Gene Roddenberry dealt with anger issues in Star Trek. Can't remember specific scenes, but throughout the series, he seemed to equate anger or the energy displayed by anger as an impetus to accomplishment that is misdirected. Without that passionate energy, there is no competition, no innovation, no ambition to create. Fast-forward to Josh Wheadon's short-lived series Firefly, and the movie made ten years later, Serenity. In that movie, the crew go to the terraformed and settled planet, Miranda, and find that all the people are dead. They just laid their heads down and died of ennui. The Allaince, who wanted to build a more evolved and peaceful human race, put chemicals in the water and air that would subdue angry or violent impulses in human behavior. When the death of Miranda populations happened, the Alliance tried to hide it. One other affect of the chemicals, though, created a race of people referred to as "Reevers." They werre malicious, ultra-violent, rapacious people who would rape, murder and consume anyone they came upon. They began maurading raids upon cargo and passengers transports and other planets. So there you see, David, science fiction also explores this maddening emotion we deal with.
Great subject-I’d be surprised if most of us didn’t have to deal with anger issues at one time or another. I had a lot of anger issues as a kid-I was a perfectionist and if things didn’t go like I thought they should I could lose it pretty easily. Thankful that somewhere along the way I decided it took more effort to get angry than just try to think things through and realize perfection is a myth-at least for me.
Robert (I almost called you “Bobby”) do you remember the film strips in the music room upstairs at Franklin with Mrs. Shaeffer?
I do remember Mrs. Shaeffer. I remember all my teachers from Franklin. I remember going to the old Franklin school before they built the current one. had one of the original wooden desks for years that we were able to keep when they closed the old Franklin.I still remember playing basketball in the gymnasium-It was a cracker box gym. I remember our parents had to sit on chairs on the side or on the stage to watch us. I still have some of our yearly class pictures-Great memories!
Yes we set too High a standard for ourselves, don't we? Perfection is the enemy of good. And it's the good we need to strive for.
Like you, David I was blind as a bat in grammar school. For the first two years, the seating arrangement in Catholic school was alphabetical order, and by chance I was always at the front of the row in third grade. A new kid joined the class and I got relegated to the back row where my grades plummeted and like you the teacher sent home a note saying your son can’t see! Also similar to you. I remember like it was yesterday the day that I walked out of the optical store with my first pair of glasses. It was autumn. And instead of seeing a blur of colors, I saw individual leaves each one a different shade of green red orange. Street signs with words! It truly was magical.
Anger is such an intense emotion. With a large family we all tried to work things out but occasionally tempers would flair (usually away from parents). But oddly, the people that can still get me angry are siblings, though very rare. And it's due to patterns of behaviors we've had since forever. The links you had in your post were good ones, thanks.
Thanks Jeanine. Glad your anger rarely appears. Sounds like your parents kept a lid on it. How many kids?
Six kids. We were always very close as siblings but sometimes we’d get mad at each other. What’s weird w/ siblings is you always make up. So maybe that’s not really anger. Let’s say we did argue a lot, haha. They could really push the buttons. I’m glad I came from a big family. Friends from CA all have fewer siblings. Maybe those cold midwestern nights. But large families were not rare in the midwest several decades ago.
There were four of us. We were spread out pretty far over 12 or 13 years. I think it was easier for us back then with bigger families, too.
We were spread out too. It was like they had 2 sets: My oldest brother was 9 yrs older, 8 yrs for my second brother, then my oldest sis, 6 yrs. Then me. Then my younger sis, 3 yrs later and finally the baby of the family, my youngest brother, 7 yrs my junior. Three oldest were all in college at same time, and then I was 'the oldest' at home. (big cheese, haha).
I wasn't that good at baseball either. Instead of glasses I just quit the baseball. We lived 10 miles from town, so my father found things for us to do on the farm. Running track and football didn't seem to need glasses that much. Living in Arkansas one of the things we did was duck hunt. My grandfather would take me hunting and taught me how to call the ducks. Since he had cataract surgery (this was before the lense replacement) I had to land them close to the hunting blind. My grandfather who told my mom to have me checked. Because he noticed me getting headaches while I was trying to focus on the ducks and I was getting headaches. My junior and senior year in high school was crystal clear.
You're right, Paul, thanks for sharing. We were lucky to have those grandparents, weren't we? I love thinking about duck calling. It must be Magic. We had a duck call, a black thing which was so much fun, but we made such a racket my Mom took it away from me. I never figured it out...
I realized pretty quickly that my grandfather couldn't call ducks. He knew what sound should be called at which time. One of his buddies would go on occasion and they would "fine tune" my sound. My grandson sent me a video of him calling ducks like his father taught him, which is the way I taught him.
The tradition continues! I was just now thinking about how other people live on in us, and we in others.